Saturday, August 30, 2003

Ok, this does not really count as doing something. I did all this a long time ago, so posting it is not really effort-intensive.

So, after reading Stu's blog, I decided I needed to start writing again, and part of me wanted to go back over my old stuff, which has been cluttering up my documents folder for a couple years. There were a few things I was proud of, so I decided to post em.

Ok, first: I've always wanted to write a truly great fantasy epic but I've also always wanted to write a satire of the more trite formula fantasy novels out there. A few years back my mind locked onto this idea for an intro which encompasses (in my mind, at least) both desires, by arousing a real emotional response and capping it with a joke. It was almost a meme, it was so insistent. I knew I'd never be able to stop thinking about it until I wrote it down somewhere. It's not perfect yet, and I think some of the references are too blunt; I'd rather write something that gives my readers more credit. But anyway, here it is:

From Time's first breath, wrought amidst fiery chaos by Love incarnate,
there have been many great heros forged by the race of men. They lived
in many places and times, many dimensions and planes of existence. They
flared, bright runes on the pages of history, and in the eyes of those
lucky enough to know them, were giants of stature immeasurable.

They had names of strength and cunning, names like
Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Roland of Gilead, Arthur of Camelot.
They strode as legends the corridors of time, bringing
hope and light to those hidden in the umbrae of evil. There
was Kal-El, and Aeneas, the last sons of Krypton and Illium.
There was the great pacifist and statesman, Martin Luther King Jr.;
the lover and prince of thieves, Robin of Loxley.
There were the great magicians; Maerlin, who raised the Dragon and
lived backwards in time, and Gandalf the Gray, who oversaw the destruction
of the great evils of Isengarde and Mordor. There was Skywalker,
greatest of the Jedi, who redeemed both father and galaxy by strength of will alone.

Yet of all these names, there is one that is not spoken on the lips of men.
There is yet one hero whose stature will overshadow these all, in whose presence
even the greatest of them will feel awe and respect. There is one hero whose
story has yet to be told, whose mettle has yet to be fired by battle or quenched
by sorrow.

This is not his story.

I have no idea where it would go from there, but there you go. One other thing I found was a poem I wrote about a month after 9/11, which dealt more with a crush I had at the time than with my real emotions about that tragedy. However, it needed the timeframe before reading, I think. Anyway I'm rather proud of this too. N.B.: I only write poetry as a method of release when I'm very upset, so most of it is very depressing / angsty. Since I don't really buy into that I rarely show my poetry to anyone, and in fact usually delete it when I feel better. But there are a few I like, of which this is one.

briefly on the beltless seat
as the happy people speed by in the sallow light
the truly weak me breaks past the animal and the actor.
"I'm tired," the actor rallies;
but indulging is satisfactory, i want to cry

a tap on the head, and i'm afraid
weakness is rewarded with hate

i go home and read about 9-11
but my dead soul is past the moment
the show must go on, even for myself
and i hate myself for trying

others' tragedy should not be my catharsis

but the animal, who shits and eats red meat and wants to fuck
is both actor and weakling too,
and the pressure is unbearable sometimes

god i need a beer

A hint of self-mockery in this one:

do I write poetry?
or do I type it?
self-loathing, pachelbel in d-major
is all I amout to defined by other's praise?
questions and logical answers, and 5 second's worth of tears

I suppose that will last me for another year

maybe i should write something when I'm happy next time..

Hehe, just as I was about to click publish, I found one more poem in there:

should i post my shit on the internet?
it's raw, and probably bad.
or should I say, not good.

at least its honest, though

that's probably what scares me.
I guess i'll keep it on the ol' hard drive.

I did nothing today. There's still time for me to do something. But, I won't.

Lee, this one's for you, hon.

Friday, August 29, 2003

Quickie Update -

Thursday I had my drug screen ( company required for all new employees ) but the nurse spilled my pee everywhere so I had to go back again today. She was very embarrassed but I told her not to worry about it so I could get home and take off my pee-soaked pants. I suppose the bright side is that, had I been stung by a jellyfish between the clinic and my apartment, I would have been ok.

I got my first paycheck today and was very happy; I also opened a bank account with it. Hooray money!

I found an internet archive with Phish's 1994 Halloween concert. The second set is a complete cover of the Beatle's White Album and is fucking fantastic. I spent most of the afternoon jamming out while fixing a custom control on one of the company's telemarketer data entry programs. I also found out (I'm new to Phish) that other Halloween concerts cover The Who's Quadrophenia, The Velvet Underground's Loaded, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and The Talking Head's Remain In The Light. Much to look forward to!

The Riggs will be in town soon, so he and I are gonna chill. Looking forward to that as well. More updates over the 3-day weekend... hallelujah!

Thursday, August 28, 2003

I had no idea baby boars were so cute.
A quote from president Bush: "I don't understand how poor people think."
Click to read the article (free nyt registration required).

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I was just paged on the office PA system to call the main desk; it turns out mom was trying to call me at work. They pronounced my name "Weber-Fink" but at least they didn't say "Your mother is calling". Heh.
I can't sign on to aol instant messenger at work, but the whole office is connected to msn messenger. So feel free to chat with me via that program by adding a contact and using my work email: . Notice that there is no silvester, and that the weber-flink is unhyphenated. Apologies to Mandie and Willow, who I know would have been amused.

Monday, August 25, 2003

I ate an antire box (12) of Krispy Kreme donuts today. I am not proud of myself. But they are so delicious! Anyway, I figure that posting my shame for all to see will encourage me to eat healthier in the future.

In other news, work was fun today. I had my first presentation to people in marketing who were described to me as "hard to please" by my boss; they were very pleased and my supervisor was happy in direct response. Since I basically finished 2 weeks ahead of schedule they were scrambling to find something for me to do, so I was told to study whatever I wanted that could be loosely defined as work-related. I listened to a Phish concert from '92 while reading up on XML and occasionally checking websites about NASA's new Mars Expeditions (which might find life on mars, and I'm in health insurance, which is all about life, right?).

I'm into the 5th season of Stargate, it's really well written. They have season-spanning story arcs, which make any sci-fi show about 10 times better in my opinion than most of the episodic crap on TV. Plus Amanda Tapping is very cute.

Tomorrow I want to get at least one of the following done: Get a checking account, join a gym, do laundry. Also, Friday is my first paycheck. Wheeee!

The God of War Draws Nigh...

Saturday, August 23, 2003

5 Questions from Jeremy B:

1. What's the must-have gadget for the 22nd century?

It's clear to me that the must-have gadget for the 22nd century is of the "all-in-one" variety; that is, it must combine technologies from previous gadgets into one multi-function all-purpose techno-item. Think Adam West's utility belt, but less campy. It would have to manage all kinds of media content such as music, movies, videogames, holo-books etc, as well as being connected to Internet2 for web browsing, e-mail and instant video messaging capabilities. Obviously it would sport a vast array of personal weaponry and defense systems to combat the alien menace. Also, when attached to your belt it would have rudimentary anti-gravity capabilities, although clearly it will take until at least 2160 before the most advanced anti-grav engines will be small enough to attach to what I believe will be called the Apple i-God.

2. If you had to combine two genres of video games to make one new one, what is it and what's the break-out game?

Massively Multiplayer Role Playing Games and Japanese Dating Sims. The breakout title would be called "Super Lucky Let's Data a Gaijin Super-Model!". Your character starts out as a lonely high school boy who can't get a date, and can make his way up the dating food chain by becoming a martial arts film actor who does buddy movies with American comedians, a Yakuza thug who evenually takes over the syndicate, or a business executive in high-finance. Of course other players are competing against you, trying to make better films or build cheaper holo-grids. Additionally, you have a pet chocobo who you can train to become a panty-thief. Try to collect all 7500 pairs, including the super-ultra-rare teddy bear set!

3. Which anime character would you scalp and steal the hair of?

Clearly Super-Saiyan 2 Goku. I'm sorry, but regardless of the episodic nature of the show that hair was fucking cool.

4. Worse nickname - "Weber-or-not" or "Flinka-dinka-doo"?

Weber-or-not is the worse of the two. I would cringe every time I heard it because at least Flinka-dinka-doo doesn't incorporate such a horrible, mismatched pun. I would scream "whether" with over-stated diction and (get ready to cringe mandie) enunciation every time I heard it.

5. The universe is expanding or contracting - which is it and HOW DO YOU KNOW?

The universe must be expanding because of all the hot air generated by mikey walsh. Bah-dum-ching! Just kidding mikey. But seriously, I do think its expanding but the only reason I know is that every time I try to put my pants on they are getting tighter and tighter, and the only possible explanation is that the reduced pressure caused by the universe's expansion is causing my waste to seemingly grow, even though I eat right and excersize every day. Yeah, that's the ticket, I eat right. Yeah, and excersize, see? Waluigi's gonna win, see!

1 -- Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 -- I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 -- You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 -- You'll include this explanation.
5 -- You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed

Friday, August 22, 2003

Eerily accurate.

Jordan, you show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.

You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.

Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.

Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.

Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.

You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a "mystic."

With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to "listen to your inner voice" as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.

Try it yourself.
I finished my pages yesterday ( or at least reached the point where I can't do much more on them until someone else's project is finished ) so I am using this time to study my craft. While reading, I'm listening to Phish, a concert from November 92 where they first played the Big Ball Jam. This song is based on a really interesting idea; there are four giant beach balls in the audience, each corresponding to a band member, and when the balls are in the air, the band members play. This lets the audience control the flow of the jam, which makes each rendition unique. The first set also contains a Johnny Cash cover, "I Walk the Line". Its a great cover, and it's kind of a coincidence that I happened to download this concert because just the other day my cousin Annie was at my apartment and we listened to her new Johnny Cash CD, which had "Walk the Line" as the first or second song.

I talked to mom yesterday and she said she doesn't "get" my blog, or the whole blogging idea. She said the posts had too much insider information between me and my friends. So I hope the more recent entries have been less cryptic for you mom.


Thursday, August 21, 2003

My frigging comments keep dying. Very irritating.
I went out to lunch today with Tom, Jeff, Dylan, and Mahendra. I'm writing their names down more for myself than for you. We went to a thai place called Ee-Sane, which was quite good and cheap too, costing 8 bucks for a big meal and drink. I had yellow curry chicken, a spring roll, Tom Yung Gung (famous thai soup) and a coke. There was excellent cameraderie into which I was drafted, and I had a great time. I've noticed a trend though - whenever we go out we seem to go for Thai. I wonder if it's an IT thing? Cause we often used to go for Thai food at my old programming job, and the BOFH goes for curry quite regularly as well.
Normally I put about 5 sugars in a 20oz coffee. 4 is enough to make it drinkable, 5 makes it sweet to my taste. 6 is a little too sweet, and 7 is too much. In short, 5 is like baby bear's porridge.

This morning, I decided I am ingesting far too much sugar, and decided to use Equal, my preferred artificial sweetener. Sadly, my company's cafeteria only provides "Sweet 'n Low". Having never tried it before, I decided it couldn't hurt.

Apparently, 1 "Sweet 'n Low" is supposed to be as sweet as 2 teaspoons of sugar, mixed with rotted sour cream. Suffice it to say that my morning coffee is a foul vitriol that has sapped me of what little will to live I have this early in the morning. Luckily, one of my co-workers had a birthday today and offered me a chocolate-chip cookie. Hopefully that will keep me alive until my nanobots can reactivate my adrenal gland from last night's immortality therapy.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Sometimes I find the Onion's 'The Onion In History' even more hilarious than its usual fare. Take today's headline:


This entry concerns the rapid progress of my work-related ADHD. Despite enjoying my work and having ample tasks to perform, I find myself becoming distracted around 3pm every day. I cannot seem to stop focusing on the "big picture" of the project and pick one detail to implement. Also, I cannot sit still. I believe this may be somewhat related to the 2 large coffee's I have in the morning, and I also hypothesize that the effect is amplified by the coca-cola I drink at lunch. I believe both of these beverages may contain a poison which I have named "coff-eene" which, when ingested with large quantities of processed cane-sugar, exhibits a chain reaction. While I believe the drug may be slowly poisoning me, I find myself addicted to the stimulant effects it produces. I nevertheless remain concerned at my inability to focus in the late afternoon, and as such have taken to doing work after I have returned home and relaxed for several hours, when the effects have worn off.

I must perform further research into the effects of coff-ene; I have determined that a commercial dairy producer named "Ben & Jerry's" markets a frozen variant of the coffee with sufficient toffee (note the similarity of the spelling? Perhaps this is indicative of a conspiracy, or at least a co-operative effect) and chocolate to ensure the coff-ene/sugar chain reaction. Tonight I intend to test it's effects on sleep. I am unsure how much I will need to take to reproduce the effects of the afternoon; as such I will ingest at least a full pint.

Pray for me.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I am already addicted to this horrible, horrible disease called blogging. I am regularly checking lee, stu, julie, bent, etc.'s blogs for new content.
Oh well, it could be worse.
Go here and sign the petition to get Seinfeld produced on DVD.
from home... Damn, the magic of technology is slightly tarnished for me, as I cannot seem to get my laptop to connect to my broadband service. :(
I'm heading home from work early because I have no meetings scheduled, and I can log into work from home with my new company-issued IBM thinkpad T30 via a VPN(Virtual Private Network). I love this job!
Holy shit! I just visited my blog to see how it was doing when I noticed that the advertisement banner at the top was selling Stargate SG-1 DVD's!!! Those peeps at google are some crafty sons of bitches. They scanned my first post within 24 hours and already tailored the ad to my readers!


Here is the full text of my 2 emails to my mother:

Subject: Hi
Hi mom.

Thought I'd let you know that under pressure from my friends to amuse them while they are at work, I have started a weblog, aka "blog", which is a kind of online public journal. Feel free to check it every day to see what your wonderful son has given to the public consciousness.


Subject: Hi again

I forgot to give you the link. You can read my blog at


P.S. If you are very confused, read the other email I sent you first, then re-read this one. All shall be revealed.

Sometimes I marvel at the vastness of my own absent-mindedness.
I've decided to email my mom from work to let her know about the blog.
yadda yadda yadda
I am posting the full text of my very first meaningless effluvium, courtesy of Lee, Los Angeles CA.

Finally. I'm so glad to have you and your tiny goblin. You're back to being a cool kid. Everything about this blog is awesome, especially its owner. Two Thumbs Up! Oh, and Jon Stamos -- absolutely. Who even remembers Antonio Banderas? It's all about comebacks driven by a marriage to someone hotter and more famous than you. (Antonio did the opposite -- someone less hot and less famous, and far less intelligent than anyone should be allowed to be.) You may now continue entertaining me.

Thanks, Lee. I was feeling sad that nobody was commenting. Then again nobody knows the trouble I've seen... I mean that this blog exists. Note to self: Send mass email tonight. Note to Lee: put me on your links and I'll do the same. You can keep google company.
Fucking Cool
Why are we not doing this?
I have just been in a department meeting and given my first presentation. It went well, and we scheduled a team lunch at Benihana's for mid-october. For those of you who don't know, Benihana's is a cool japanese restaurant where the chefs cook your food in front of you. I'm looking forward to showing off by ordering in japanese, except we're smack dab in the middle of Whitebread, Wisconsin, so all the waitpersons/chefs may be americans. Even if they are, I will still order in nihongo (japanese).

Meanwhile, I checked my project into Source Safe today, which is exciting the first time, and sort of like the New Kids on the Block in that it is going from new and fun to boring and irritating faster than Antonio Banderas to hair products. (By the way, does anybody else have fond memories of all the jokes about Uncle Jesse's hair-care fetish from Full House? Antonio just isn't as much fun to rip on as John Stamos.)

Back to work.

Private message to Bobh: The bedraggled ostrich buries its head in the golden wheat field.

Monday, August 18, 2003

I feel the site is not funny enough:

A tiny goblin just crept out of my boxer shorts and shot me with a rubber band. In amazement, I asked him his name. He said "George Bush's conscience."

I said to him "Why are you crawling around in my shorts and shooting me with rubber bands instead of administering your duties to the president?"

He replied "I'm off duty until the cocaine wears off."

At this point, Erin Wilson teleported into my apartment and beat both myself and the goblin to a bloody pulp. When I asked her why she beat me as well as the goblin, she said "Because this shit isn't funny, Weber-Flink."

I agreed, and a single tear trickled down my cheek.

The End.
It is 12:35am on Tuesday, and I am sitting in my new apartment, clad in boxers and my "A Night With Edgar" t-shirt, posting to my new blog. I am mainly doing it because Lee and Julie have, and I wanna be a cool kid.

I am recently employed by Fortis Health, formerly Time Insurance, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I am officially an "Applications Programmer I", which means that I write the programs that the rest of the company uses to sell insurance and thereby make money. So far I am having a lot of fun; I spent the morning today teaching myself to register client-side scripts to server-side web controls. Fascinating stuff!

I'm engrossed in Stargate SG-1, and the MPAA should read the following sentence: after downloading the first season via kazaa, I went out and bought seasons 2 and 3 on DVD, which I would never have done without first getting hooked to the show via free (albeit illegal) downloads.

When I'm not watching SG-1, I'm watching the Simpsons or Seinfeld on my new DVR! Yes, Time-Warner has provided me with a lovely DVR with 2 tuners, and I've already filled more than a quarter of the capacity.

If you have not yet bludgeoned yourself from sheer boredom, please use your mouse to do so now.